Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
