is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
