He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
