This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
