Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
