You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
