Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
