I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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