1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
