He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
