my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
