The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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