Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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