One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
