I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
