Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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