I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just invented taco cereal.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
