time to smoke my breakfast
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i drank out of a bidet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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