You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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