Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
