you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
