I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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