Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
