I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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