oh god the rape fog is back!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
