I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
