"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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