i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
