Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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