I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
