Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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