I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
