so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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