Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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