If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
