You're my little dorito
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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