Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
