he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
