sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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