i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
