Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
