Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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