i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
