It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
