Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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