Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
