last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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