so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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