So drunk its hurt
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
