nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
