Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
