Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
