I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
