my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
