..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
