I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
