it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
