I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
