he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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