he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
